"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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