The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
