Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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