Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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