I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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