I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
