Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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