My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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