Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
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Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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