well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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