I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
