It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
