And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
