can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
