I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
