I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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