smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
