yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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