hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
