I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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