Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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