i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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