I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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