youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
