toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
