I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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