my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
