I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
