I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
