My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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