$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
