The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
