I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i came on her dog
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
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She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
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How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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