Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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