i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
