Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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