Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
