Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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