i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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