she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i've created a new STD.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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