So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
