Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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