It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
