I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
