I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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