Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
