But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
