I think my vagina is haunted
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
