im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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