She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
