Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
