Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
