You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
