the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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