That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
