I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
