just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
