Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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